Blunt

Sunday, October 10, 2010,8:33 PM

so here i am...

So here I am back into the blog life. There are alot of things to get update about, but one of the biggest thing that has been in my mind all month long is about relationships. They always say expect the unexpected. I really didnt expect anything from that night, September 5th. It happen so sudden, i dont know how to react but to follow what my heart wants. I hada great night, hopefully he does too. It seems like everything is going on so well. But now i think about it, i met a player. I didnt expect it to be llike this.. but guys these days.. I should just be the old emily. The cold hearted emily, who always has this wall surrounding her. It's been two years that I had finally let go of everything, and accept what life is giving me. What happen in June this year, i didnt expect anything, I just thought that guy was just a frend to begin with and end with, i didnt know that I am heading to a relationship way. I didnt know he meant it that way, but both of us thinks that we cant communicate at all, so that is good. But this time, i really thought something is gonna go well, and is like i finallly had someone to talk to closely... NOT. it's a disappointment when I had my hopes that high that i finally found someone who can listen to me. I dont know what went wrong, all i know is that i deeply fell into the hole. I hate this feeling so much.. it is the feeling of two years ago.. sometimes i just cant help it but cry. why do guys have to do this to me? what did i do wrong to you that you have to disappear on me? And lemme guess.. later on you will surprise me by being in a relationship with another girl. It just breaks my heart. I cant really talk to my close girlfriends cause they dun seem to get me, while they are happily living with their boyfriends. What their issues with their bfs are just minor. I just dont get guys. I learned two years ago that i have to let go and stop talking to him and so will i this time. I got to learn to let go and stop thinking about it. It breaks my heart that he said he is busy but at the same time i see him talking to other people especially the girls that i saw it in your facebook that makes me so jealous. And the girls calling you all these names makes me start to wonder waht is going on. Am i a mistake to be here? Should i just assume that im just not that girl you're thinking about, and i shouldnt be bother with you? Is not like I mind girls talking to him, but why cant you give it a five second to me just to say HI so that i know you're still living out there, NOT DEAD. If he cant even take that second out to say hi.. which is like what one of my close friends said, he is just not that into you. why bother?

I dont know if it is my problem or what.. but i truly loved him, yet he is not talking. I dont know what to do but think think and thinkkkk.. it is like a revision of what i did two years ago. All i do is think think... to a point that i complete mess up my whole life. Therefore, i need work to keep my mind off these things and allow the time to pass by more quickly.

If i can go back in time, i would really want to ask him straight forward what he thinks. Cause i am complete lost.. you completely disappear on me. are u dead?? I am a very serious person especially when it comes to relationship. I dont want to waste my time on depression anymore.. its a pain that i dont wanna go through again! missing someone is the worst feeling in the world, especially when you cant do anything bout it but to look forward in life. perhaps, i should just look forward in life. I dont think what i did that night was a mistake.. i was just following my heart and i truly mean it. It is what i wanted.. but if you're just playing around.. i am not the right material for you to play with.